Anxiety About The Now

It’s been a busy month trying to sort everything out, getting back into the swing of things at work and starting new projects. But there’s something that hangs over everything I do like a gloomy cloud: I want to leave Japan. I’m a bit over it, to be frank. But that’s proving harder than imagined. Also, paradoxically, the more I stay here, the more good things seem to happen. Am I going crazy?

Main Story: I Need to Get Out of Here

Halee and I agree: Japan isn’t where we want to sow our wild oats. We’ve lived in the culture, have been able to dip into the frigid waters of the Japanese iceberg, and decided it isn’t for us. And that’s fine, not everywhere is going to be a good fit for us. Phoenix wasn’t, and I think we have some pretty fond memories of that place. Not only because we got married there, mind you, but because we had good friends, a good apartment, and we were living in a pretty up-and-coming area. Since we left, though, we hear that downtown has taken a bit of a turn for the worse, which is pretty sad to hear, given how much potential it had when we were there in the 2010s.

Part of my anxiety is that ever since I left my old job at TIU in 2023, and even before then, dating back to 2022, I’ve been job hunting. Almost non-stop. I’m still applying to jobs two, nearly three years on. It’s exhausting. You fill out forms that are exercises in pure tedium only to upload your CV, which already has all the information you just typed. Then you wait and 90% of the time you hear nothing at all. Not a whisper. The other 10% is mostly rejections, with maybe one or two offers for an interview that ultimately lead nowhere. It’s difficult mainly because we’re looking for jobs in the EU, which isn’t friendly to outsiders coming in, especially in recent years. I’m not sure how we’d fare back in our native USA, but I’d like to think it might be marginally easier because we’re citizens and therefore have work permission baked in.

There are good things happening, too. Like, I’m doing a lot more professionally now than I think I ever did at TIU. I lead a creative writing circle at work, I’m helping with a large-scale research project for our self-access learning center, I’m leading teacher training with VELF, and I’m getting a lot of opportunity for curriculum and materials development. KUIS has been very good to me in that regard. My Japanese is also getting significantly better, after years with a lack of any meaningful practice. Yes, I have to stay at work longer than I would like because I have a whacky split schedule, but I don’t ever feel bored or overwhelmed at work: I’ve reached a sort of equilibrium where I’m not stressed about things, which is such a wonderful feeling.

Personally, I wish I had more time at home, but the time at home has been nice, too. I like biking around Kotoku with Halee. I like our little weekend treats. We have a coffee and breakfast place where we’re regulars and most of the time their coffee is really nice! We can get into the city for chump change, and we’re able to explore and learn more about the nooks and crannies about the greater Tokyo metro area. And Chiba, too! While I miss Kawagoe and its convenience dearly, there are a lot of cool things I’m able to see and do here in Tokyo as well.

I want to get out, desperately so. I feel this almost frantic energy consume me, like a rash that will engulf my whole body unless something happens right now. But I have to wait. It’s a lot of waiting, getting my hopes up for specific jobs, and then not getting them and having to face the realities of where I am again. It’s an exhausting cycle that makes it hard sometimes to appreciate where I am right now. I keep looking to the future with hope instead of appreciating the present with intention. Classic.

Good Thing: Osmanthus

After smelling this delicate scent on the autumn breezes in Kawagoe for years, it took me a long time to figure out where it was coming from and even more years to remember its name: Osmanthus. There are a ton of varieties, of course, but I’m not a certified botanist, so I will simply use Osmanthus as a catch-all for the plants I’m engaging with.

They flower for a very short time here in Japan, usually in October near the start of autumn, and they disappear almost as quickly as the cherry blossoms in spring. The scent is one of the most pleasant I think I’ve ever encountered. It’s strong but not overpowering: You don’t need to bury your nose in the flower to enjoy its scent, but if you walk a few feet away it’ll slowly fade.

I can only describe it as what I imagine butterflies and bees perceive the scent of nectar to be. It’s the platonic ideal of a pleasant sweet scent, and when it blooms, I breathe more deeply. It’s always fun to go on walks or bike rides and sniff out where they are, spotting them with their iconic orange flowers, but almost always after they are perceived by their alluring aroma. They are probably my favorite flower to smell and bring me a peace that’s hard to describe. I’m only saddened by the fact they stick around for such a short period of time, an ephemeral pick-me-up, especially this year with its never-ending heat.

Miscellaneous Media

I got a few more posts up on my blog: I got my New Zealand backlog finished with Piopiotahi and Aoteroa Birds, while also updating a few weekend events I was able to check out in Tokyo, such as the Dahlia Garden, Tokyo Disney Halloween, and Stardew Valley Concert. I also cleared a few from my Drafts folder, such as the Takasaki Daruma Festival and Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park.

I finished a rather lengthy and dense book, Indigenous Continent, by Pekka Hämäläinen. It focuses the native people of North America as the protagonists, rather than taking a Euro-centric view of American history. It’s fascinating to see how tribal politics, new technologies, and trading rights truly shaped most of the history of the continent. I was very impressed by the various native leaders who managed to deflect, rout, or even subjugate colonial powers at different points in history. It’s a tough read but I highly recommend it. It only took me about three months to read (mainly because I fell off the reading bandwagon and only this month got back on).

I also got a record player! Well, Halee bought me one and it’s been really nice. I’m trying to shift away from doing everything digitally— it’s driving me a bit loony. Sometimes, I don’t want to have to scroll for minutes to figure out my next 30. Records are great in that you put it on, it plays a curated selection of songs, and then 20-30 minutes later, it stops. Then, you get up, flip, play again. I like this pacing— it helps me focus more intently on the music and enjoy the atmosphere. So far, we snagged the Kiki and Totoro soundtracks from Studio Ghibli, two Ella Fitzgerald vinyl, Stone Temple Pilot’s Tiny Music 25th anniversay edition, and Modal Soul by Nujabes. Modal Soul was an amazing get because the man only had two studio albums while he was alive (the other being his first, Metaphorical Music) and Nujabes, along with J-Dilla, was one of the key pioneers of chill-hop as we know it today. His music is just so… good. I’m hoping to do a bit more searching and find some LPs from other Japanese artists like The Blue Hearts (Rock), Mariya Takeuchi (City Pop), The Pillows (Rock), Clammbon (Pop/Alternative/Chill), and maybe even some Perfume (Pop).

Thank you all again for reading: I’m hoping to do some more personal writing and video making moving into next year, getting back into the swing of reading and writing that fell to the wayside during this long and change-filled year. When I do, you’ll be some of the first to know. Peace ✌️